WARNING: This post is purposefully a little gross for the only intention of being humorous....But I’m pretty sure you can handle it. Pretty sure.
There is a common understanding that we shouldn’t stereotype. We shouldn’t resort to baseless generalities. We aren’t supposed to label people or put them in categories. There is not one single box that can define you - so don’t even try.
Well that’s a cute idea and all, but the concept of knowing what we “should” and “should not” do rarely stops anyone. There will always be the beliefs that blondes are stupid. Every gay man talks like that and every gay lady can caulk your tub and she’ll do it wearing Birkenstocks. Smart, nerdy people are socially inept. Every mother keeps a pack of Oreos hidden in the coffee table...or perhaps that was only my experience. Sorry, mom.
Even broader than these social stereotypes and the stigmas that come with them, people are willing to divide the entire population into two columns. That’s right. Seven billion people on the planet and you’re either in this boat or that boat. Please, you know what I’m talking about...
“There are two kinds of people in this world...”
That’s right folks, nothing new here. There is always someone willing to separate the world right down the middle.
There are two kinds of people in this world... those who love kitty cats, and those who don’t.
...those who are Batman people, and those who are Superman people.
...those who love Tarantino, and those who just don’t get it.
...those that can speak to squirrels, and those that can’t.
Some believe there are three types of people in this world... those who can count, and those who can’t. And for the abundantly nerdy, there are 10 types, those that can read binary, and those that...you get the picture.
It begs the question: With all of these combinations is it even plausible to find only two categories to distinguish the population? Can we really make only two labels? Everyone is either this one or that one?
I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t try.
I relied on what I do best - observing my surroundings. I watched people. I promise there was so stalking involved. You say tomato, I say...never mind.
There were several moments and circumstances that were adding up - adding up so I could adequately make two categories in which to place the global population.
One of such circumstances includes a friend of mine who has spent her entire life living in the Rich and Famous Sector of Los Angeles. The fascinating part about her is that she talks with an accent - an Eastern European accent. Yet this accent is not a consistent one. Sometimes it doesn’t exist at all. Sometimes it’s thick depending on whoever is her conversation holder. Why, dear lady, do you pretend Southern California is the “new E-Europe?” You would most likely find it annoying, I find it intriguing.
Another occurrence of “hmmm?” happened when I received a text from my friend Darcy. From time to time, Darcy is the person who likes to send a loaded text. Do you have someone in your life who does this? A simple “Have a great day!” text turns into a “I’m wishing you a good day because we don’t talk anymore and I’m mad about it so I’m going to send you a fake-happy-text to make you feel guilty.” This was the exchange:
Darcy: Hey friend! How are you?
Me: I’m fine. Still trying to be a writer and feed myself. Two things that are not always mutually exclusive. How are you?
Darcy: I’ve had the worst day of my life. But I’m ok. Have a good week!
This is the part where I grab the closest solid object and inflict blunt force trauma to my face. What happened here is not a genuine, “How are you?” but instead an “ASK ABOUT ME” plea. It always ends with more texts and inevitably a phone call where I play Brook Ellen Counselor in all things Life. Add this to the pile of things that make me yell WHY WHY WHY.
But the “Ah-ha!” moment occurred when I was talking with Julia (fellow gnome snatcher). We were talking about love. Sometimes we dissect the serious stuff, and therefore, we rule. We both currently find ourselves in rather fulfilling relationships. YAY us!
We were discussing “what makes our current relationship better than the Demon of Relationship Past?”
The answer is honesty.
Julia simply stated, “Significant Other knows so much about me...and doesn’t hate me for it.” When someone knows everything there is to know about you, and still loves you in the morning, you are released from judgment and facades. You’re free from hiding. You can just be you, and be loved for it. Quite a remarkable feeling indeed to be void of deceptions and half-truths. Not to say every relationship is a “lie” but there are moments of withholding that are birthed from the fear of ending up alone. That topic is enough for another post.
Back to the mission at large, here they are, the three circumstances for me to base two categories for all of human kind. The person who fakes an accent. The person who sends loaded text. The person who defines love as a product of honesty. Isn’t the common denominator SO SO obvious?
In some capacity... we are all liars.
To the accent faker - it is a reflection on how we project ourselves. We become different people, depending on the audience. I wouldn’t talk with Julia the same way I would the President. But the accent thing is still a bit dodgy.
To the loaded text texter - we try to blanket our feelings with subtlety. By saying “I have had the worst day and I need someone to talk to,” one could perceive this intention as weakness. Instead, we relay a message of strength while exposing a crack in the exterior, hoping for someone with the heart to mend it.
To the definition of love - I agree, only in the absence of Emotional Walls and I Will Never Tell You can one find themselves submersed in your Awesomeness.
Using this knowledge I can profoundly define each and every person on this earth.
There are two kinds of people in this world... those who pee in the shower, and those who pee in the shower and lie about doing it.
Which one are you?