Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Quarrel with the Cheeto Hotline

I was drowning my sorrows with Sappy Girl Movie, a six pack of Liquid Pick-Me-Up, and a family size bag of Cheetos.

Glug glug glug. Crunch crunch crunch. Hand me the tissues. I was rearranging my pillow nest I created for myself when I saw it...on the Cheeto bag...

The phone number for the Cheeto hotline.

My sorrows immediately turned into questioning. Why is there a Cheeto hotline? What questions would one have to ask? Even more profound - who calls them?

I read further down the bag and learned there is not only a hotline, but it is open Monday through Friday, from 9am-430pm. That’s right, folks, for 37.5 hours a week there is a staffed hotline to answer all of your burning Cheeto questions.

Here is how I imagine a typical Cheeto hotline conversation:

Cheeto hotline: Thank you for calling the Cheeto hotline, press one for English, para espanol, marque el numero dos.


Cheeto hotline: Welcome to the Cheeto hotline, where we can meet all of your Cheeto needs. For cruchy, press one. For puffs, press two. For Cheeto fries, please call 1-777-HOT-FRIES.


Cheeto hotline: Thank you for calling the Crunchy Cheeto hotline. For help with stains, press one. For the removal of Cheetos from various body parts, press two. For additional food pairings with your Cheetos, press three. If you are calling with a lead regarding the whereabouts of Chester Cheetah, press four. To speak with a representative, press five. If you suspect you may be overdosing on Cheetos, please dial 9-1-1 or proceed to your nearest emergency room.


Cheeto hotline: Please continue to hold to speak with a Cheeto representative. Your approximate hold time is SEVEN MINUTES.

***Insert obnoxious Cheeto advertisement with obnoxious hold music here***

Cheeto hotline: Hello, my name is Betsy and I am here to assist with your Cheeto questions. You are calling for crunchy Cheetos, correct?

Helpless person: Yes.

Cheeto hotline: Great. How can I help you?

Helpless person: My daughter recently got braces, see, and she loves them and everything, that is until she ate a bag of Cheetos.

Cheeto hotline: Mmhmm, ma’am, what seems to be the problem?

Helpless person: Well she’s got all this Cheeto stuff stuck between the brackets and can’t get it out.

Cheeto hotline: Alright, ma’am, that happens all the time. I’m going to send you back through to the main menu, and select option TWO for the removal of Cheetos from body parts.

Helpless person: NO WAIT!!!! I ALREADY TALKED TO THEM!

Cheeto hotline: I’m sorry?

Helpless person: I already talked to that department and they said I don’t apply, because cheetos are stuck to the brackets, and not actually in a body part.

Cheeto hotline: I see, well they should have been able to help you.

Helpless person: They didn’t! And I have been bounced around from person to person. Please, can’t you help me?!

Cheeto hotline: Ok, ma’am, calm down. I’m going to get my supervisor. Please hold.

The conversation ends with the Supervisor tactfully advising the woman to purchase a toothbrush.

Have we gotten so helpless we have to call someone about Cheetos? Can we not troubleshoot? Think for ourselves? Google properly?

But honestly, who actually calls anymore? Who picks up a phone? If Cheetos expect to maintain their modern relevance, they should create a number available for texting, or get a twitter account.

Although Cheeto needs seem absurd, I will give tribute to the Butterball Hotline for addressing all of your turkey baking questions. Now THAT’S a legitimate hotline. With all the first time turkey bakers out there, the basting, the stuffing, the temperature, the timing, the horrid relatives you only see twice a year….It’s good to know there’s someone to talk to.

Back to my bag of Cheetos. I wish you all safe Cheeto eating.

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