Thursday, June 16, 2011

What the movies have taught me

There is nothing in the world more magical than sitting in a giant room, with a hundred strangers, digging your hand into a greasy bag of I-Could-Have-Made-A-Car-Payment-With-This priced popcorn…and the lights dim. Voices turn to whispers. And a screen fitted with felt curtains comes to life.

The movie theater is the one place I go to get lost. Everything else falls away and for two hours I let one story alone captivate me.

NOTE: Just because a movie captivates me doesn’t mean it’s good. Captivation is also a feeling coupled with disbelief and Holy Shit.

Back to the point – movies are magical. It could be the story of a wrongly convicted murderer escaping from prison, a semi-mentally-emotionally-constipated man who is a coincidental witness to every major historical event of the last three decades, the story of robots and Decepticons, or about a rogue archeologist fighting his own fight against the Nazis. You can witness reflections of your own life or instances so unrealistic you choke on your Junior Mints.

Realistic and convincing plot or not…you can learn from the movies. Every weekend dozens of motion pictures make their way to projection screens around the world and it would be foolish to think we can’t take away some of their knowledge.

Five things the movies have taught me and you (whether you know it or not):

#1 Ten steps to perform CPR.

Step 1. Person falls unconscious is rescued from drowning.
Step 2. Yell “NO!!!” three of four times.
Step 3. Slap the unconscious person.
Step 4. Hover your ear over their mouth to listen for breath sounds, but be sure to pant loud enough so you really can’t hear anything.
Step 5. Stiffen your arms and perform six uneven compressions, most likely breaking some of their ribs.
Step 6. Blow air into their mouth – plugging their nose is optional.
Step 7. Shout insults at the person. “You son of a bitch!”
Step 8. Threaten the individual. “I swear to God if you die on me..!!!”
Step 9. Collapse over their body, crying.
Step 10. Tears rolling down your face, all is finally silent…then….Gurgle! Cough cough! It’s a miracle! The person heaves out a mouthful of water and is alive!

#2 Women have no center of gravity.

Women fall down. A lot. All the time.

Women fall down because they’re in love. Because they’re wrong. Because they’re sad. Because they’re pregnant. Because someone died. Because they’re walking in the street. Because they’re funny. Because they saw a cute guy in a restaurant. Because they see someone they know. Because they’re in a wedding. Because they’re late to a work meeting. Because it’s Christmas. Because it’s New Year. Because they’re eavesdropping.

#3 Life if full of montages.

You can have a complete life evolution in thirty seconds. Kinda like my blog. Kinda.

#4 You should be working in an advertising agency.

The only people worth caring about work for advertising agencies. You can’t be in a romantic comedy fall in love unless you work in advertising. You can’t be witty. You can’t get good tickets to the Lakers game. You’re nothing. NOTHING.

#5 Everyone talks in their sleep.

People don’t groan and make strange sleep noises – never ever ever. We all talk in perfect conversations and are likely to confess our love and reveal horrible secrets about our pasts in our sleep. Beware.


These are only a few of the things the movies have taught me. I fully plan to continue to add to this list.

…what have the movies taught YOU?

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