Wednesday, July 27, 2011

10 pieces of advice life doesn’t tell you ‘til you live it.

Waiting to learn life lessons is a headache-grade waste of time.

Forget personal growth and “learning from mistakes.” It’s all rubbish. Poppycock. Why learn things the hard way when I can tell you my way? I’m taking out the guess work and telling you how to make the right choices for your life, right now.


10 pieces of advice life doesn’t tell you ‘til you live it.


#10 Take a hockey stick with you on big trips to the grocery store.

People suck at grocery shopping. They think they’re the only person in the store – they couldn’t be more wrong. They leave their carts in the middle of the aisle, don’t move when you reach for that ever important jar of kalamata olives, and insist on showing up to the express lane party with a basket overflowing with groceries fit for a pre-Biggest Loser contestant.

Solution: Bring hockey stick. Hold hockey stick firmly with two hands. Raise to eye level. Hit grocery-store-shopper firmly on the back. Foolproof.


#9 Cheaper isn’t always better.

True for toilet paper and hookers. In both circumstances you are at risk of exposing your hand to something you don’t want it to touch.


#8 Less it not necessarily more.

True for cheesecake and rainbow suspenders. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY RAINBOW SUSPENDERS.


#7 Stereotypes exist for a reason.

Don’t be fooled by people telling you not to stereotype. They will warn you it’s “wrong” to put people in categories and deduce their existence to a single character trait.

This is wrong. Stereotypes makes things EASIER. You don’t have to guess what someone is “all about” or really even get to know them. It makes meeting new people simpler, faster, and a lot less complicated.


#6 You’re looking in the wrong place for moral lessons.

Do not be hoodwinked by false teachings of the Bible, Koran, Torah, the Vedas, Dead Sea Scrolls…. There is no better place to learn moral lessons than 1980’s family-sitcoms.

I beg of you, instead of spending every Sunday morning in a church or five times a day trying to figure out each way is East – watch an episode of Who’s the Boss? There’s nothing that kooky Tony, darling Angela, the blond boy, the sexually inappropriate grandmother, and the I-Knew-Alyssa-Milano-Was-Going-To-Be-Hot-And-I-Was-Destined-To-Be-Gay Samantha can’t teach you about the ways of the world and how to take the high road.


#5 Mistakes are like milkshakes.

You have to have a few to feel like you’re living, but if you have too many no one wants to hang out with you because they think you’re a freak of nature for having so many milkshakes.


#4 Send thank you cards.

Don’t be an asshole. Don’t wait to send them. Don’t forget to send them. Don’t choose not to send them. True for everything from graduation gifts to attending a dinner party. Don’t send electronic “thank you”s – no texts, no facebook comments, no emails. Use paper, ink, stamps – if you can remember what those things are.


#3 Never underestimate a booger.

We all fight urges to stick a finger in our nose. Maybe you have an itch, or maybe you think you have a legitimate bat in the cave. Don’t trust that innocent bat to be a cooperating, crumbly product of your nasal glands. No one wants to be in the middle of an office meeting to see someone pull a booger of epic proportions out of their nose and wonder where they are going to wipe it. Don’t be that person. Don’t underestimate the magnitude of your booger.


#2 The phrase “just kidding” does not mean “just kidding.”

It means TRUTH TIME! When someone tells you something that’s stingingly honest then shouts, “Just kidding!”…it’s because they were trying to be real with you, got scared, then tried to cover it up.

Example:

Me: “Way to not answer your phone and then text me right back.”

Friend: “Huh?”

Me: “I called you. You didn’t answer. Then texted me ‘did u call?’ You have your phone in your hand 24/7, you could have just answered.”

Friend: ***look of confusion and rage***

Me: “Hahaha! I’m just kidding! No big deal…”

Mhmm. I ain’t kidding. You are not a cool person.


#1 If you’re reading this…

It means you have a pulse, can read, and have access to the internet.

You’re alive. If that’s not something to think about, I don’t know what is.

2 comments:

  1. I have a problem with people driving realllllly slowly in the PNW. Any life advice/solutions to help me cope???

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  2. Very funny Brook. Particularly liked #9... Cheaper isn't always better...
    If I was to add anything... it would be prefacing statements that can only be construed as offensive with "No offense, but..." ;-)

    ReplyDelete