Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Those days when Fergie makes it better.

Sometimes when I feel crazy I sing some Fergie. Really loud.

…I put them boys on rock, rock. Ta-ta-ta-tassstttyyy tassstttyy!!!

It just happens.

You know the crazy feeling I’m talking about? You feel overwhelmed, anxious, and cornered. It’s like shopping at Target on Christmas Eve in the dark while being chased by a rhinoceros. You’re lost, confused, and most likely enduring a flop sweat.

Cue singing: T, to the A, to the S-T-E-Y girl you tastttyyyy. Ugh.

We are all guilty of feeling out-of-sorts, unkempt, and off our game. Where do we go when the crazy comes in? How do we cope?

Some prefer to drink gallons of ethanol. Others like to have an intense workout. Some like to hit things with sticks.

I am sickened by random lyrical attacks.

It’s a particularly bad day if I’m singing “Bohemian Rhapsody”. I’m in a downward emotional spiral if I’m singing “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia”. And if I start belting any song from Wicked…it’s best we all pretend I don’t really exist.

(Author’s note: I am a horrible singer. It’s a miracle my shower has not tried to drown me.)

These lyrical attacks work for me. They just do.

If you’re feeling crazy, instead of turning to your toxic vices, I suggest you try some of the following:

- Throw a rock in the air and watch it fall to the ground. Fun times.

- Look at yourself in the mirror and do Bill Clinton and/or George W. Bush impressions.

- Go into your partner’s dresser drawers and unfold all of their clothes. Do not refold.

- Stand on your front porch and try to yodel. Become better acquainted with your neighbors.

- Play Frisbee by yourself.

- Go to the public library. Proceed to perform handstands.

Any one of these activities is sure to help reduce your crazy feeling, clear you mind, and get you back on track.

I see a little silhouetto of a man/Scaramouche, Scaramouche/Will you do the Fandango?!?!


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Dear Clueless People,

Dear clueless people,

You’re everywhere, and I’m not OK with that. Stop being so clueless. Realize you are not alone in this world, and the people forced to deal with you (ME!) are sick of it. Here a few specific instances of recent memory I need to address:

Dear Couple Eating Popcorn Behind Me in the Movie Theater,

Did you just spend five years on a deserted island living on coconut milk and sand? Did you just awake from a fifteen year coma and were sustained by a liquid diet? Were you just released from a maximum security prison and spent the last thirty years eating nothing but bologna and trash bag liquor?

If none of these scenarios are true, STOP EATING YOUR POPCORN LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN FOOD BEFORE. Are you having a contest with yourself to see how many pieces of popcorn you can fit in your mouth at one time? The sound of your chewing is reminiscent of the National Geographic Channel special on lion prides taking down water buffaloes.

I’m sure you’ve eaten today – it’s the USofA after all. You are not one of those kids from the Sally Struthers’s commercials, so stop it. And stop shoving your hand into the bag so hard – it like two raccoons in a paper bag wrestling over old diapers and hotdogs. You’re loud. You’re distracting. You sound like a freight train eating chainsaws. Don’t be so clueless.

Dear Woman in the Bathroom Stall Next to Me,

Why are such strange noises coming from your body? Why do you feel the need to grunt, and sigh so heavily? Did you just say, “Good Heavens”???? You did. You actually said that. Did you just “MmHmmm?” Why did you do that? Why?

The smell is enough to make my eyebrows fall out. You have officially burst my nasal and noise bubbles. You don’t have to congratulate yourself on your bowel movement. We all can hear what you’re capable of without your added commentary. Don’t be so clueless.

Dear Person Talking To Me At Any Given Moment,

Notice how I’m not really looking at you? Do you realize I’m not even responding to what you say? Please note that I am giving you the “smile and nod” routine. I’m not listening to you. My mind has floated away to a happy place with pink-striped zebras and caramel apple suckers. I have actually turned my back to you – and you’re still talking. You’re still talking to ME.

I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t care. Don’t be so clueless.

Dear Person On the Airplane Next To Me,

Stop dominating the armrest.

Don’t be so clueless.

I hate you. I hate you all.
With love,

Thursday, August 4, 2011

10 scenarios when the Golden Rule is complete crap

Let’s review the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In plain English - treat others the way you would want to be treated. You can find teachings of the Golden Rule anywhere from Kindergarten classrooms to the Bible. The tenets of the Rule are simple – just be nice, ok, because you want people to be nice back.

This “Golden Rule” is flawed. There are people out there with the intent to harm, are bullies, and are NOT nice, considerate, or empathetic.

What’s the solution? “Take the high road?” Just smile at them? …even if they are throwing tuning forks at you?

You can’t and don’t ALWAYS treat people the way you want to be treated, and you shouldn’t. Some people need to be educated on proper behavior. People need to be called-out for their ridiculousness.

Here are 10 scenarios when the Golden Rule is complete crap.

#10 Parents letting their children run amuck in a restaurant.

Is the proper response to this scenario ALSO running around the restaurant, knocking over glasses, and putting greasy handprints on doors and windows? No, no. The etiquette book according to Brook Ellen says when you are in a restaurant, and children are allowed to act like wild animals, you must stand from your seat, approach the parents, and start yelling incoherent, animalistic sounds directly into their ears. That’ll show ‘em.

#9 The person behind you in the movie theater won’t shut up.

There is nothing more inhumane than having two people talk, laugh, answer their phone, or guess what’s going to happen next, during a movie. The days of passive-aggressively looking over your shoulder – praying that they get the message – are over.

What you need is some semi-hard candy; either Raisinets, Mike and Ikes, or even Sour Patch Kids. Stand from your seat, and start throwing them, one at a time, into the faces of the offenders. Repeat over, and over, and over. NOTE: If you did not purchase candy, try using loose change. (Nobody is going to miss a few pennies.)

#8 A co-worker has forgotten the definition of “work”

Do you have someone not pulling their weight in the office? Are they chronically late? Do they take a massive amount of personal calls? Is their name synonymous with “excuses” and “sonuva?” For this one you need two of life’s essentials: duct tape and a Nerf gun. Duct tape said employee to their chair, and tape their hands to the keyboard. Any complaints, lack of productivity, or whimpers from the employee will result in Nerf gun balls to the chest and face.

#7 Someone is making fun of Bob Saget.

This is the most malicious form of blasphemy. The only solution is to challenge this person to a duel. May the grace of Bob Saget be with you.

#6 Someone thinks they’re good at singing but they’re really not.

Have you been in this situation? Do you have a friend who insists on how good they are at singing (which only means they are awful)? Someone who sings OVER the radio and looks to your for compliments? Someone who sings in the shower…and should henceforth not be allowed to shower? This is a cruel form of noise pollution.

Hold a skillet in your non-dominant hand, and a metal spoon in the other. Wait for said person to start singing. BANG ON THE SKILLET AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. When they stop singing, you stop banging. It’s a form of classic conditioning, and eventually they will associate painful noise with their singing, just as you do.

#5 Someone says they don’t like your haircut.

Kick them in the shins. Hard.

#4 Someone blows you off.

Follow them everywhere. The closer you are to their “personal bubble” the better. Follow them to work, to the bathroom, to lunch, to their car. Oh, you think it’s ok to blow me off? To stand me up? To leave me hangin’? WELL HERE I AM.

#3 Someone borrows something and doesn’t give it back.

Follow the precise procedure outlined in scenario #5.

#2 Someone leaves expired milk in the fridge.

Drinking spoiled milk induces vomiting faster than a vodka hangover on a fishing boat in 100 degree heat after the chum bucket spills onto the deck. When this happens, someone is most likely trying to kill you. They need to get the message: Throw. Out. The. Milk. Solution? Obtain one large funnel. Wait for the milk offender to go to sleep. Secure the funnel in their mouth. Pour in curdled milk. They have to learn.

#1 Someone lets their dog chronically poop all over your walkway.

This is actually a scenario when the true Golden Rule is required. The twist is, don’t let your own dog (assuming you even have a dog) poo on their driveway. It’s up to YOU to show them what’s what. I suggest eating at a burrito establishment beforehand, and preferably engaging with any variety of green chili.

Following my instructions in the above entitled scenarios will help introduce more socially-appropriate behavior into out society. Please act responsibly.