Thursday, August 4, 2011

10 scenarios when the Golden Rule is complete crap

Let’s review the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In plain English - treat others the way you would want to be treated. You can find teachings of the Golden Rule anywhere from Kindergarten classrooms to the Bible. The tenets of the Rule are simple – just be nice, ok, because you want people to be nice back.

This “Golden Rule” is flawed. There are people out there with the intent to harm, are bullies, and are NOT nice, considerate, or empathetic.

What’s the solution? “Take the high road?” Just smile at them? …even if they are throwing tuning forks at you?

You can’t and don’t ALWAYS treat people the way you want to be treated, and you shouldn’t. Some people need to be educated on proper behavior. People need to be called-out for their ridiculousness.

Here are 10 scenarios when the Golden Rule is complete crap.

#10 Parents letting their children run amuck in a restaurant.

Is the proper response to this scenario ALSO running around the restaurant, knocking over glasses, and putting greasy handprints on doors and windows? No, no. The etiquette book according to Brook Ellen says when you are in a restaurant, and children are allowed to act like wild animals, you must stand from your seat, approach the parents, and start yelling incoherent, animalistic sounds directly into their ears. That’ll show ‘em.

#9 The person behind you in the movie theater won’t shut up.

There is nothing more inhumane than having two people talk, laugh, answer their phone, or guess what’s going to happen next, during a movie. The days of passive-aggressively looking over your shoulder – praying that they get the message – are over.

What you need is some semi-hard candy; either Raisinets, Mike and Ikes, or even Sour Patch Kids. Stand from your seat, and start throwing them, one at a time, into the faces of the offenders. Repeat over, and over, and over. NOTE: If you did not purchase candy, try using loose change. (Nobody is going to miss a few pennies.)

#8 A co-worker has forgotten the definition of “work”

Do you have someone not pulling their weight in the office? Are they chronically late? Do they take a massive amount of personal calls? Is their name synonymous with “excuses” and “sonuva?” For this one you need two of life’s essentials: duct tape and a Nerf gun. Duct tape said employee to their chair, and tape their hands to the keyboard. Any complaints, lack of productivity, or whimpers from the employee will result in Nerf gun balls to the chest and face.

#7 Someone is making fun of Bob Saget.

This is the most malicious form of blasphemy. The only solution is to challenge this person to a duel. May the grace of Bob Saget be with you.

#6 Someone thinks they’re good at singing but they’re really not.

Have you been in this situation? Do you have a friend who insists on how good they are at singing (which only means they are awful)? Someone who sings OVER the radio and looks to your for compliments? Someone who sings in the shower…and should henceforth not be allowed to shower? This is a cruel form of noise pollution.

Hold a skillet in your non-dominant hand, and a metal spoon in the other. Wait for said person to start singing. BANG ON THE SKILLET AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. When they stop singing, you stop banging. It’s a form of classic conditioning, and eventually they will associate painful noise with their singing, just as you do.

#5 Someone says they don’t like your haircut.

Kick them in the shins. Hard.

#4 Someone blows you off.

Follow them everywhere. The closer you are to their “personal bubble” the better. Follow them to work, to the bathroom, to lunch, to their car. Oh, you think it’s ok to blow me off? To stand me up? To leave me hangin’? WELL HERE I AM.

#3 Someone borrows something and doesn’t give it back.

Follow the precise procedure outlined in scenario #5.

#2 Someone leaves expired milk in the fridge.

Drinking spoiled milk induces vomiting faster than a vodka hangover on a fishing boat in 100 degree heat after the chum bucket spills onto the deck. When this happens, someone is most likely trying to kill you. They need to get the message: Throw. Out. The. Milk. Solution? Obtain one large funnel. Wait for the milk offender to go to sleep. Secure the funnel in their mouth. Pour in curdled milk. They have to learn.

#1 Someone lets their dog chronically poop all over your walkway.

This is actually a scenario when the true Golden Rule is required. The twist is, don’t let your own dog (assuming you even have a dog) poo on their driveway. It’s up to YOU to show them what’s what. I suggest eating at a burrito establishment beforehand, and preferably engaging with any variety of green chili.

Following my instructions in the above entitled scenarios will help introduce more socially-appropriate behavior into out society. Please act responsibly.


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