Thursday, August 11, 2011

Dear Clueless People,

Dear clueless people,

You’re everywhere, and I’m not OK with that. Stop being so clueless. Realize you are not alone in this world, and the people forced to deal with you (ME!) are sick of it. Here a few specific instances of recent memory I need to address:

Dear Couple Eating Popcorn Behind Me in the Movie Theater,

Did you just spend five years on a deserted island living on coconut milk and sand? Did you just awake from a fifteen year coma and were sustained by a liquid diet? Were you just released from a maximum security prison and spent the last thirty years eating nothing but bologna and trash bag liquor?

If none of these scenarios are true, STOP EATING YOUR POPCORN LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN FOOD BEFORE. Are you having a contest with yourself to see how many pieces of popcorn you can fit in your mouth at one time? The sound of your chewing is reminiscent of the National Geographic Channel special on lion prides taking down water buffaloes.

I’m sure you’ve eaten today – it’s the USofA after all. You are not one of those kids from the Sally Struthers’s commercials, so stop it. And stop shoving your hand into the bag so hard – it like two raccoons in a paper bag wrestling over old diapers and hotdogs. You’re loud. You’re distracting. You sound like a freight train eating chainsaws. Don’t be so clueless.

Dear Woman in the Bathroom Stall Next to Me,

Why are such strange noises coming from your body? Why do you feel the need to grunt, and sigh so heavily? Did you just say, “Good Heavens”???? You did. You actually said that. Did you just “MmHmmm?” Why did you do that? Why?

The smell is enough to make my eyebrows fall out. You have officially burst my nasal and noise bubbles. You don’t have to congratulate yourself on your bowel movement. We all can hear what you’re capable of without your added commentary. Don’t be so clueless.

Dear Person Talking To Me At Any Given Moment,

Notice how I’m not really looking at you? Do you realize I’m not even responding to what you say? Please note that I am giving you the “smile and nod” routine. I’m not listening to you. My mind has floated away to a happy place with pink-striped zebras and caramel apple suckers. I have actually turned my back to you – and you’re still talking. You’re still talking to ME.

I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t care. Don’t be so clueless.

Dear Person On the Airplane Next To Me,

Stop dominating the armrest.

Don’t be so clueless.

I hate you. I hate you all.
With love,

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