Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas songs that need to be written.

I am one giant peppermint-gingerbread-cocoa-pine needle filled geek when it comes to Christmas. I bought my first Christmas present in July.

I love the sights, sounds, and smells of the holiday season. To me, Christmas is about giving. It’s about generosity, graciousness, gratitude, and alliteration. It’s time to share with loved ones, be more thoughtful than normal, and a time to celebrate another year of life. I love the food, the gatherings, and my mother’s hot rum punch.

I consider it a personal success if I can hold off until November before listening to Christmas music. Those songs really capture the vibe of the season. Santa Claus is coming to town...All I want for Christmas...Have yourself a merry little Christmas...I’ll be home for Christmas...Merry Christmas, Baby...Let it Snow!

What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight! OH!

Dozens and dozens of songs immortalize so much of what I love about Christmas.

But...what about the reality of Christmas? The shopping. The gifting. The guilt. The worry. The stress. The cooking. The baking. The go here, go there, get this, buy that.

I love that Christmas songs have faithfully tried to encapsulate the heart of the season – but holy jingle bells – they have failed to acknowledge a large portion of the Christmas spirit. The Christmas spirit that has you running for spirits, ya feel me?

Here are a few Christmas songs that haven’t been written yet, but should be. You may even know the words but didn’t realize it until now:

“I Spent $100 on My Brother and All I Got Was This Q-tip Holder”

“Flop Sweat Shopping”

“Birthed My First Child In-Line on Christmas Eve”

“You Ate the Last Sausage Ball, Prepare to Die”

“Grandma Drank the Punch”

“Don’t Let This Tree Cost More Than Forty Dollars”

“Mother-in-Law is Coming to Town”

“Just a Small Grease Fire”

“Lost My Husband at the Mall and I Don’t Want to Find Him”

“Who Said It’s Too Early to Drink? It’s Christmas!”

“I Paid for Express Shipping!!!”

“I Refused to Get My Kids iPhones and Now They Hate Me”

“My White Elephant is Worse Than Yours”

“Why Did You Send Me a Christmas Card? Now I Have to Send You One”

“The Neighbors Brought Us Cookies! They Taste Like Shoelaces”

“Everyone is Getting Tube Socks and They Better Be Happy About It”

“Let’s Have a Merry Little Skype Christmas”

“I’ll Show You a Nutcracker”

“Thanks for the Gym Membership – What Are You Trying to Say?”

“I Caught Mamma Kissing Somebody and Now It’s Awkward”

“Deck the In-Laws”

“Frosty the Draft Beer, I Need You”

“Hark! Get Me Out of Here”

“The Twelve Days of Family I Don’t Want to See”

“You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out Remix”

“Can I Say I have Ebola and Miss the Office ‘Holiday’ Party?”

“Please, Grandma, Not Another Snow Globe”